never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
