Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
