I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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