I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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