I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
