she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
