i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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