i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
if only i could text you this smell
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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