I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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