Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
