Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
