I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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