just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Your dad touched me again.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
