I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You can't special order awesome
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
