i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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