Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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