remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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