She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
