Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize
