When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
