And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
