It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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