Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
