i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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