I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
