onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize