No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
