Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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