Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
