I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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