I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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