He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
