The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This baby is an asshole
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
