cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
