you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
