I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize