I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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