Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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