Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Randomize
