I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
