I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Apparently you make a good broom.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
