Your mouth is God's brothel.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
