thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
