mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
