I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
