After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
