new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
