Your mouth is God's brothel.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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