is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
