your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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