Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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