Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
