Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
