I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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