My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize