btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
