there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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