would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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